Let me clear something up right now for the men out there that still don’t get it. Victoria’s Secret is the greatest store in the entire world. One of the items they sell makes the world turn on its axis.
And what item is that, you ask? The answer is simple – the garter belt.
The garter belt is the greatest invention in the history of the world. Wars have been fought over less important things. If it weren’t for women, and more specifically women in garter belts, we’d all still be living in caves and cooking food over an open fire. The garter belt is the crowning achievement of the civilized world. That simple little lace belt is what makes the world turn on its axis.
Last week I was sitting in my office listening to my fellow coworkers lament about how they had no idea what to buy their wives for Valentine’s Day. Roses and candy were all they could think of. How original. Apparently they needed a little help so I offered a suggestion.
“Victoria’s Secret,” was all I said. But they all just looked at me like I had snakes coming out of my ears.
“Uh, yeah… I’m not going in there,” replied one of my male coworkers.
“Not gonna happen,” replied another. “My wife buys her stuff at some department store and only when it’s on sale.”
Bargain basement bloomers do not make the world turn. The garter belt does, and more specifically, the fancy garter belts sold at Victoria’s Secret. I could care less if they’re on sale or not.
So the next day I hit my local Victoria’s Secret on my way home from work. Sure, I could have used the website but I would much rather be in the store. I was kneeling down next to a drawer full of lace garter belts and rummaging through them while trying to match one to a pair of panties and bra that I had already picked out when I noticed a woman standing close by. She was watching me intently while holding her hand over her mouth.
“I wish I could get my husband to come in here and pick out something for me,” she said as she lowered her hand and frowned.
Just then a young girl who worked in the store walked up carrying an armload of colorful bras. Given her age and body weight she could have easily modeled any of the lingerie in the store, including some of the more slinky stuff. She overheard what the woman said to me.
“I hear ya,” she replied as she began to sort the bras into their respective size drawers. “I get a hefty employee discount and I can’t get my boyfriend to step foot in this store. He’d just as soon die as come in here and pick out lingerie for me, especially one of those garter belts.”
The problem in America today is that men have forgotten what makes the world turn. Trust me, it’s not golf, watching football or playing poker with your old college buddies. It’s not climbing the corporate ladder, 80-hour workweeks or getting an office with your name on the door. And it’s not sitting in a tree stand waiting on a deer to walk by. All of that crap pales in comparison to the heavenly sight of a woman in a garter belt.
I have traveled the world as a U.S. Marine and believe me when I tell you that if there was anything out there better than a woman wearing a garter belt I’d have found it.
So put up the golf clubs, turn off the damn football game, pull your head out of your ass and drive down to your local Victoria’s Secret and get busy shopping. You will soon learn why it’s the greatest store on the planet. And if you need a quick class on buying lingerie before you go, you can find it here courtesy of GQ.
Your woman will appreciate your effort, and will waste no time showing you just exactly what makes the world turn.